Broken Wings
by AnHeiressofaSOLDIER
Summary: Edward thinks about all his pain whilst Bella kisses Jacob. He hates himself and his weakness, but he never blames her. Even though she tears him apart, he'll always love her and be by her side. Meanwhile, Alice wants Bella to put Edward's needs first.


**Broken Wings**

As Edward watches Bella kiss Jacob, he feels a pain far stronger than the pain he felt in Volterra. At least he would have been able to follow her in death, but if she chose Jacob… he wondered if the pain would be worse. It would be total hell to have the object of your desire in such close proximity only to be denied it completely. Though he knew it would kill him more than his own death into this world, he would keep his promise and stay beside her. Even when each moment felt like pieces of his icy body were breaking off; he would never let Bella know this.

Love truly was pain. And he knew that love didn't make sense; that by now he should have faded away by how faded Bella could make him feel. But his mother told him long ago that when you loved someone you put their needs first, and heeding the advice of the first woman he ever loved, he did just that. Because even though he knew his pain was on a magnitude her mind couldn't even fathom… like the functions of her brain, he would protect Bella the way a human's mind tried to protect itself.

It is for this reason that he never says how much he hates himself all the time.

He hates himself for not being strong enough to protect her from his world. For getting her involved in it at all.

And he hates himself that he allows her to be with him, when he's been forced to see such pain inflicted in her eyes; it only makes his worse.

He also won't tell her why her trump card for him to stay with her during the fight was so effective.

He'd never admit what hell he'd been living through by throwing away the only good thing in his life to save her.

He won't admit how much harder it was for him in believing that she'd jump into someone else's arms. And hadn't she done just that?

He won't voice how awful it made him feel when he thought she'd died and how much he blamed himself for their deal with the Volturi now.

He won't admit that he hates the thoughts of Charlie and Jacob who think he's not good enough for Bella. How can they not see that everything he ever does is for her? He would never manipulate Bella the way Jacob has.

He almost gets angry at the thought, but then he stops himself because he remembers Jacob's thoughts of Bella—how she'd been when he left—and Edward hates himself all over again. Suddenly the fact that Bella could have been lost in the stupid stunts she'd done is all too real.

And it's for that reason that he gives her anything she wants. He has to make the most of the time he has. Even though he feels cheapened by the fact that defying his morals, by making her a vampire, isn't enough for her. She now desires Edward to make love to her while she's human and he hates himself that there's no way to leave her unhurt no matter how he deals with the situation.

And Edward certainly won't tell Bella how much it hurts her to see her with Jacob. When he knows that Jacob's using his own pain to manipulate Bella. Does she not see _his_ pain? Or how she will easily take Jacob's side over his own? Is it because she sees all that Jacob can give her that he himself can't?

He hates himself for making the bond between them necessary yet hates that he's also combating it. At least Bella could have the human life he'd always wanted for her with Jacob. It seemed Bella was seeing its significance a little too late, but maybe she's seeing it just in time.

It is with that that Edward impossibly falls to the ground. A voice in the back of his head asking if all of this was worth it, a human part he assumed. If only that human part could be enough.

_When you care about someone you put their needs first. _It's with this thought that Edward finally is strong enough to rise to his feet. He tries his best to put an indifferent expression on his face. He knows that Bella will need him and like always he'll comfort her pain without ever burdening her with his. _When you care about someone you put their needs first. _He repeats the mantra in his head, once again pushing his pain to the back of his mind.

…

As Alice's vision of Bella's future goes black for a minute, Alice wishes that Bella would someday learn to put _Edward's_ needs first. And she cries a tear (though she'd never admit it to either of them) it seems that in one way or another she might lose her sister _and_ her brother.

Though she loves Bella, she begins heaving tearless sobs for Edward. She's known him longer; she knows if Bella remains blind to all of the pain, Edward would be worse than he ever had _been_. But like Edward she will put young Bella's needs first. Neither one ever admitting how the moment Bella kissed Jacob… the one Bella'd always considered her angel, lost his wings. And it was all by her doing.


End file.
